Q. Ironically, my divorce was finalized last Valentine’s Day. Last year my ex and I both did some soul searching. I broke up with him because he cheated on me, but he’s apologized so many times that I’m thinking of trying again. . I think this Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to start over. I’d like to propose, but I don’t understand his feelings. What is good ex etiquette?
A. The red flag is hoisted high for this. First, the irony of your divorce being finalized on Valentine’s Day is too much to miss. Note that it may overlook another red flag right in front of your face.
That red flag? history. Past behavior is said to be the best predictor of future performance. Or you may have heard it put another way. I’m not saying your man is destined to be untrustworthy because I truly believe that people can change. My philosophy is that it used to be his decision to cheat . If he really wanted to right his wrongs, he would now choose to treat his attraction to others in a more honest way.
This is when we must remember that our attraction to others is human. Trust in a relationship is all about how you handle those attractions when you vow to be loyal to someone. Knowing that, I’d like to know if enough of his soul-searching has been done that cheating is a thing of the past, and enough soul-searching so that you can feel confident about rebuilding your relationship with him. It is necessary to determine whether or not the quest has been carried out.
How to approach him? My first thought was to quote Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 8, “Be honest and forthright.” But I’m worried you said you don’t know how he feels. If you’re thinking about reconciliation, you really should. Not knowing may mean you haven’t talked about it, or you may not be close enough to discuss getting back together. You have to ask yourself. So many people have made-for-TV movies in their heads and forget about the other cast members. Do you really want to reconcile or are you just lonely?
If you’re going to try again, I suggest you get some counseling together before discussing what happened and come to an agreement on how to avoid similar situations in the future. If so, it may be time to get yourself some counseling. That’s good ex etiquette.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of Etiquette for Parents: Proper Behavior After Divorce or Separation and founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Dr. Jann’s Ex-Etiquette website Email her at exetiquette.com (@exetiquette.com.)
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