Which restaurant loves princesses?
What do people often say in a freezing cold, Mexican kitchen?
Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages. The Waiter said, “I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.” Would you mind waiting for a bit?” I said, “No problem.” He said, “Good, now take these drinks to table 7.”
What do you call a Mexican / Soul Food Restaurant?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the duck not enjoy his restaurant date?
Because he didn’t want to see the bill.
“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
“Is your food very spicy Sir?”
“No, smoke usually comes out of my ears.”
What does an Australian chess player say when they go to a restaurant?
What does Anakin Skywalker never order at a restaurant?
Did you hear Sushi Restaurants are about to release a new type of roll?
It is the Lady Gaga Roll, and it is served Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw.
Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?
He got creped out.
A 7-foot-tall man walks into a restaurant with his 4-foot-tall girlfriend and the maitre d’ says to the waiter, “He must be nuts over her.”
What did Luke Skywalker say to the diners at his new restaurant?
“May the forks be with you.”
What’s worse than discovering a worm in your pizza?
Finding half of a worm in your pizza.
“I went to a restaurant and ordered my naan bread. I don’t know why, she doesn’t even like it.”
“Have I told you about the time I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant? I left without paying so they had to Banh Mi.”
“I went to a restaurant run by dwarves. The food was good but the service was terrible. They were really short staffed.”
Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?
Because they’re lo mein tenants.
“I had a Bison steak at a restaurant recently. When I finished, I asked the waiter for the buffalo bill.”
“I want to open a restaurant called Pi. All the food is round, but the pie are square.”
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
What’s the difference between Call of Duty: Black Ops and a restaurant?
A restaurant usually has a good host and servers that work.
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “What is this?” “Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”
Why are mexican restaurants usually kept secret?
No one will taco bout it.
Why did the clock in the restaurant run slow?
It always went back four seconds!
Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: “A table for 26, please.”
Headwaiter: “But there’s only… 13 of you?”
Jesus: “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Were do you go to get the best fish?
In restaurant on the Titanic.
“I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled “Dose anyone know CPR?” I said “I know the whole alphabet” everyone laughed and laughed well everyone except one.”
What did the Invisible Man order at the restaurant?
“Good evening! Could you tell me, do you serve lobsters?”
“We serve anyone, come on in.”
“I had a slice of an excellent German Christmas cake in the local cafe, but can’t find it now. It’s stollen.”
At the restaurant, my girlfriend suddenly told me, “It’s over between us.”
Her: “For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.”
Me: “Ok. And for the main course?”
A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, and place their order. They are in for an early dinner and are the only customers. The chef looks down at the order slip and says incredulously: “Who comes to a restaurant and orders a whole raw fish?” His sous chef scans the restaurant, sees his only two customers, and replies: “It’s either Juan or the otter.”
A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant… it says, “I’ll be your server today.”
Why are the lights always low in a Chinese restaurant?
Because they dim-sum.
“I’m going to start a restaurant called: “Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold”. You know what we’re going to serve? Just desserts…”
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. “This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?” He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
“Have you heard they opened one of those Brazilian meat restaurants at the top of the Burj Khalifa? You got to be careful though because the steaks are really high.”
“I bought a shabby little place in Bangkok above a nice restaurant. It was a bad Thai pad, but good pad Thai.”
Restaurant owner warns his employee: “One must open oysters carefully…”
The employee answers: “No shucking fit!”
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Did you hear about the Mexican restaurant that only serves Indian food?
Turns out the chef is a naan-conformist!
Have we been to this restaurant before?
I’m getting déjà brew.
How much cash can you make robbing an Indian restaurant?
As much as you can curry.
“It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub…. just to ask me what time it is.”
What’s Peter Pan’s favorite restaurant?
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
“Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant I asked the waiter “People under 12 eat free right” the water confirmed that yes people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, ‘But I’m 13.'”
“I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day… and pulled a mussel.”
What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant ?
“Can i have a bodybag ?”
What does a waiter in a Chinese restaurant call a customer that won’t leave a tip??
“We were at a restaurant today and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch. I asked, ‘What do they raise there? Sea horses?'”
“Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.”
What do polar bears eat for lunch?
Which vegetable should never be served on a boat?
“I noticed some of the staff in my local restaurant were getting carried away in a heated discussion about how long to leave the bag in a cup of tea. The waiter said it had been brewing for ages.”
There was a terrible fight at the seafood restaurant. Three fish got battered.
“Waiter, waiter, there’s a frog on my plate!”
“Sorry Sir, it was a toad in the hole you ordered, wasn’t it?”
“Waiter, waiter, what’s wrong with this egg?”
“I don’t know Sir, I only laid the table.”
“Waiter, waiter, this fish is very rude.”
“Yes I am sorry, it doesn’t know its plaice.”
“Alma dinner’s gone. Can I have dessert?”
“Arthur any more sweet potatoes?”
What would two termites order at a restaurant?
Table for 2.
“I want to open an Aerosmith-themed mexican restaurant… and call it ‘Guac This Way'”
“I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes. I’m now a major steak holder in the business.”
A man walks into a restaurant. After some time, he says “This business is stupud and you only hires idiots!”, so the manager said “Did you want an application?”
A gorilla walks into a restaurant. He sits down at a booth and a waitress comes over to take his order. He orders an ice cream sundae. The waitress goes back into the kitchen, gets him an ice cream sundae and takes it to his table. The gorilla eats the sundae and then motions to the waitress for the bill. The waitress comes over, gives him the bill and remarks “We don’t get a lot of gorillas coming in here.” The Gorilla replies “You charge $15 for an ice cream sundae, I’m not surprised.”
Four old Jewish womens are around a table at a restaurant. The waiter comes up and asks, “Is ANYTHING okay?”
“I asked an Indian restaurant if they gave volume discounts for large catering orders. They said their prices are naan negotiable.”
“Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, “Can you tell me about the menu please?” So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!”
A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to. Absolute naansense.
A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant. As their order arrives, the wife looks around and notices every table has a couple having a romantic candlelight dinner date.
The man on the table to her right says to his date, “Pass me the sugar, my sweet Sugar.”
The man on the table to her left says to his date, “Pass me the honey, my sweet Honey.”
She asks her husband, “Look at all these men, why aren’t you romantic with me like this?”
The husband looks her deeply into her eyes and says with his most romantic voice, “Pass me the pork, my fat pig.”
A zookeeper walks into a restaurant with a bunch of animals.
The waiter exclaims, “This is totally unacceptable!”
The zookeeper responds, “But why?”
The waiter breathes a deep sigh and says, “Well, first of all, we need to address the elephant in the room…”
A Roman emperor walks into a Pompeii restaurant and orders a salad.
“CAESER?!” the waiter exclaimed.
“No, Waldorf” he replied.
“A panda walked into the restaurant where I work as a server. He came in, found a table and sat down. Hesitantly, I approached and took his order. He ordered sooo much food. He ordered at least one of every entree. I faithfully took notes and read them back to him. Satisfied, he sent me away to give the orders to the kitchen staff. I took a detour to ask my boss if I should really give all this food to the panda. ‘I don’t think he can pay for it,’ I explained. My boss told me to just go ahead and get the panda his food. So I delivered the orders to the back. Sure enough, the panda polished off every one of the entrees he ordered without breaking a sweat. When he was finished, the panda stood up, shot the hostess and walked out the door. When I got home that night, trying to come to terms with the insanity of the evening, I decided to do some reading about pandas to see if more information could shed some light. And that’s when I found my answer: ‘A panda eats shoots and leaves.'”
Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.
“Can you go and get me another one please?” Asked Freddie.
“Why?” Asked the waiter.
“I want to break three.”
I went into this fancy restaurant and asked:
“Can I have some Sesame Chicken please?”
The waiter said “Sorry sir, this restaurant is French Cuisine “
“Ok, can I have Sesame Chicken, s”il vous plait?”
Batman bought a French restaurant – “The Creped Crusader”.
A man walked by a restaurant in London. He noticed all the customers drinking tea in saucers. He asked one of them as to why he was drinking tea in a saucer. With tears in his eyes, he replied, “The Italians have taken away our cup.”
“A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp. It was squid pro quo.”
What do Timon and Pumbaa order at Italian Restaurants?
The Tuna Piccata!
“I’ve opened a restaurant called “Peace And Quiet.” Kids meals only $150.”
The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: “The food looks great. Let’s eat.”
Wife: “But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.”
Husband: “That’s at home, sweetie. I’m sure the chef here knows how to cook.”
Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant.
Where do tired, angry person go out to eat?
Why was the pig hired at the restaurant?
He was good at bacon burgers.
“Yo mama’s so fat that when she goes to a resturant, she looks at the menu and says ‘Okay!'”
An old man walks to a busy restaurant, he tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, “Can I have a discount, I served in the war.” The waitress says “Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?” “Nein” said the old man.
“My girlfriend is 19 and I’m 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed. It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.”
Why do dwarfs hate fast food restaurants?
Cause most of them have medium and large.
“Next time I’m at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I’m going to say bleach.”
A kid goes in to a restaurant without parents and a waitress came up and said “You have to leave this, is a family restaurant.”
“I would like to complain about the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. Although there were large portions going round on the conveyor, they did taste a bit like luggage.”
Little boy: “Momma.”
Mom: “Yes my dear.”
Little boy: “One day I wanna work in McDonald’s.”
Little boy: “Just to see if there ice cream machine is actually broken.”
Did you hear about the new “Oasis” restaurant?
Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.
What food do monsters like to order in a restaurant?
What did the big plate say to the small plate?
Lunch is on me.
At our local pizza restaurant you can eat dirt cheap – though who wants to eat dirt?
A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells the waiter, “I want a toasted… sandwich.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?” “What do you mean?” the bear replied. “I’m a bear.”
What kind of side vegetables would you like with your dinner tonight?
“I went to a restaurant that made the worlds biggest pizza base. I would really love to see someone top that.”
“When I order food, I always confuse chutney and pickle. It makes me chuckle.”
“Bernie dinner, so let’s go out to eat.”
“I went to a restaurant and a waiter spilled chowder down my trousers, so I said… waiter, waiter… there’s soup in my fly!”
“I recently went to a comedy restaurant, and there was a chicken with a speech impediment on stage… the food was great, but the yolks were terrible…”
“I walked away from a fight at an Indian restaurant. I chose naan-violence.”
What do you call an Italian cook who steals from his restaurant?
A penne pincher.
“I went to a great restaurant the other day it has absolute best brats, franks, and other sausages I’ve ever had! It was literally the wurst place in town.”
“Me as a server in a restaurant: “Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?” Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves.”
This guy was finishing his dinner at a restaurant… and the waiter said “How did you find your steak sir?”
The guy said “By accident. I moved my baked potato and there it was.”
What do you call a restaurant that predominantly uses garlic as an ingredient that caters to literary nerds?
Waitress: “Hello, my name is Pam, what can I get you?”
Husband: “Hello Pam, you are very beautiful.”
Wife: “Why don’t you tell her about your erectile dysfunction?”
Husband: “OK. Pam, this is my erectile dysfunction, her name is Jane.”
Snoop Dogg should open up a Vietnamese-German fusion restaurant and call it Pho Schnitzel.
I want to open a Thai/Mexican/Korean fusion restaurant.
It will be called Thai Cuando.
A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake. He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order. The man declares, “I want 25 hamburgers – two for me and 23 for my pet snake here.” The waitress leaves and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man’s plate there are two hamburgers and on the plate in front of the snake are 23 beef patties, plain, by themselves. The snake turns its head away in disgust. The man fumes, “No! He wants real hamburgers too, in buns, like mine. In buns!” The waitress starts to protest, “But sir, our restaurant is low on buns right now and… do snakes even eat bread?” The waitress goes on and on about what an awkward request and situation this is until the man cuts her off, saying, “Listen lady, My Anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns!”
Two lawyers enter a restaurant. They both pull up suitcases onto the table they’re on and take out a sandwich each from their suitcases. Seeing this, a waiter comes up to them and tells them they cannot eat their own food in the restaurant. With an irritated tsk and a shake of the head, the two lawyers exchange their sandwiches, much to the despair of the unfortunate waiter.
A man walks into an Indian restaurant. The waiter asks, “Have you ever ordered here before?” The man replies, “No, I haven’t.” The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man. The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, “We have naan at this restaurant.” The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement. The waiter replied, impatiently, “Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.”
Jean-Luc Picard just opened a Chinese restaurant. It’s called Make It Tso.
“The food at my favorite restaurant has been really up and down lately. Some blame the cooks but in my opinion it’s the dumb waiters.”
“I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, “Aren’t you polite. You have such lovely manners.” It was my complimentary nan.”
“There is this Vietnamese restaurant near my place that serves really good soup. It’s really popular though, so one time I had to wait a whole hour just to go in, and by the time it was my turn, they ran out of soup. It was a really huge pho-queue.”
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: “Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.” Man replied: “Naah.. she just arrived in the restaurant!”
A husband and wife are having dinner at a fancy restaurant when a couple looking absolutely gorgeous walk in.
“What a pair!” says the wife.
“Yeah, the man doesn’t look too bad either” replied the husband.
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies “$1.” The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender “Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?” The Bartender reply’s “$4.20.” The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says “Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place.” The bartender then says “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife.” The guy looks all confused then asks “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?” The bartender then says “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
An American couple is at a Chinese restaurant.
The husband says “Waiter, my wife’s chicken is rubbery.”
Waiter replies, “Yes, I think you’re wife is rubbery too.”
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last week we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it.” The other man said, “What’s the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know…. the one that’s red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “That’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last week?”
“I was walking my dog through the neighborhood when his leash broke, he ran off, and headed straight into a Chinese restaurant. I ran inside and found him in the kitchen. To my horror, he was peeing on all the cookware! The cooks were yelling at him angrily, so I stepped in and said, ‘Please don’t be mad at him. I’m the one who said he needed to go on a wok.'”
A woman goes into a restaurant for her lunch break. She sees a man sitting at a table, alone with his bowl of tomato soup. Politely she asks him: “Excuse me, sir, is this seat taken? Mind if I join you?” He answers: “No problem, ma’am. But I have to warn you, I’m a very messy eater!” She smiles and sits down, and says: “Then it was a good idea to wear a red shirt when eating tomato soup, wasn’t it?” He answers: “Nope, I’m NOT wearing a red shirt…”
“I went to a restaurant. It was full. No place to sit. I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly: “Bro, come fast, she’s here with someone else.” Six couples ran away.”
“Went to a pancake restaurant, and asked if my dinner would be long. “No, sir, round” came the reply.”
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
Hear about the restaurant called karma?
There is no menu… you get what you deserve.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?
Because he had a big bill.
Waitress: “You wanna box for your leftovers?”
Me: “No, but I’ll arm wrestle you for the bill.”
Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything and person #2 orders a chili.
Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”
Person #2: “No you can have it.”
Person #1: “Ok, thanks…”
Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.
Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”
A couple enters a Chinese restaurant. Took their seats.
The waiter asked: “Xiang Chi Shen Ma.”
Wife said: “Chi Ji Ba.”
“Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.”
Why can’t Tottenham open a restaurant?
Because they have no silverware.
“Went to my local Indian restaurant asked the waiter for a chicken tarka Masala the waiter said what’s that I said it’s the same as a tikka just a little otter.”
Why did the chicken go to the restaurant?
To eat chicken!
What do you call a fancy restaurant that specialises in pork?
“Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?”
“No, but in the restaurant down the road, I once saw a man eating chicken.”
A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress asks what the man wants for lunch.
He replies: “I’ll have the rabbit stew.”
Waitress: “It’ll be right out.”
21 minutes later…
Waitress: “Here’s your food.”
Man: “Sorry but I think there is a hare in my soup.”
A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry.
The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”
Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”
Waiter: “That’s terrible.”
Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”
“I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller… she got fired too.”
Why did the restaurant get rid of their high-top tables?
Because they were short staffed.
Why do they hate food fights in Chinese restaurants?
Because it’s wonton violence.
The police raided the kitchen of a restaurant where the chef was preparing Eggs Benedict. He was arrested for poaching.
Maurice and Sadie were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary by having a meal at a restaurant with their friends. Maurice looked unhappy, so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, asked him what was wrong. “Do you remember on our fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?” “Yes,” answered Michael, “I said you would get twenty years in jail.” “Well,” said Maurice, “I would have been a free man tonight.”
“A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine’s day. He just got dumped by his girlfriend some minutes before. A baker takes pity on him and gives him a slice of cake – entirely free. That man is like me. He’s lonely, but at least he got some cake!”
Callum’s Seafood Restaurant and Circumcision Clinic. Where yesterday’s cut is today’s calamari!
“Indian restaurant I just ate at only had garlic or ginger naan. I guess they were naan-binary.”
“I guess I have to wonder about the honesty of a restaurant that calls itself “IHOP”. I looked up their “locations” map and there’s not another one in any other country!”
What did the new Italian restaurant owner say after he found out he forgot to add a desert menu?
“Affogato Bout It!”
Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center?
They didn’t have enough servers.
Why was the restaurant server so heavy?
Because he is a weighter.
Have you heard about the activist group that fights for ceramic containers in fast food restaurants?
They call themselves the “Bowl movement”.
Why didn’t the restaurants bathroom have urinals?
It was a sit-down restaurant.
If you’ve seen one large collection of stores and restaurants… you’ve seen the mall.
Why can’t emos work at a restaurant?
Because they cut too much.
“If someone calls you just say this is peters abortion clinic and pizza restaurant were yesterdays loss is today’s sauce.”