There are moments in life when a person’s mood expresses a certain need.
I don’t know if it was the fact that Mercury had finally stopped going retrograde, or if the full moon had finally hit its worst, but I wanted to see something that would give my life new meaning.
Or, at least, something that makes us rethink what technology means.
So I turned to Amazon, the repository for all things material, to see what they had to offer.
I purposely and specifically searched for “weird tech gadgets.”
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This has been my last trend since I started living with a robot cat.
What can Amazon offer to beat it? How does Amazon’s vast inner intelligence really define “weird”?
I was elated to see that there were 2,000 results. Clearly, I was about to fall into a vortex of tremendous splendor.
do you call this weird?
But I opened my eyes. The first thing that was offered was, oh, xsainlao Newtons Kinetic Art Perpetual Motion Machinedesktop decoration toys, science physics gadgets, non-stop rolling ball toys, balance stress relief, creative gifts for friends and family.
This was nothing out of the ordinary. This was the kind of thing an executive had on his desk. when they had a desk. 1980s.
Hmm, I think part of the product description was incorrect. Sample: “Since this item is all handmade, you will need to assemble it yourself when you purchase it. Therefore, it requires a hand-made foundation.”
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foundation? Do you mean your hands?
Amazon’s bizarre results followed, or rather, Amazon’s bizarre results. Novium Hoverpen 2.0 – Futuristic luxury pen made of aerospace alloy, unique aesthetics, free-rotating executive pen, cool gadget, birthday gift for men and women (space black, basic).
This simply raises two questions. why?
I noticed that these particular results were sponsored. So were these companies paying to be in the “weird” search category?
Amazon chooses the strangest.i choose to tweet to myself
I scrolled down a little further, wondering what Amazon itself would choose to satisfy my odd quest.
Luckily, there was a result marked “Amazon’s Choice”.
I was not prepared for this.Suggested by Amazon original toilet night light tech gadgetFun bathroom motion sensor LED lighting. Weird Novelty Funny Birthday Gag Stocking Stuffer Gift Idea for Him Her Man Male Boy Toddler Mom Dad Brother.
why do you need this? And may I ask, why on earth is this strange?
Amazon, or the makers of this lighting product, claim it improves your sleep. increase.”
Need a cozy night light for your bathroom? I don’t is this weird? It is not.
And if you buy one of these, do you think you’ll get a free ebook? It’s the perfect complement to ToiLight because it helps with
I worried that Amazon was in the worst possible situation. I was beginning to lose hope in the very existence of true queerness.
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Next on Amazon’s recommendation: Cryptex Da Vinci Code Mini Cryptex Lock Puzzle Box Anniversary, Valentine’s Day, romantic birthday gift, gift for her, gift for girlfriend, gift for me box with hidden compartment.
Who wrote these product descriptions? How about an anniversary or Valentine’s gift? Why doesn’t Amazon understand the concept of being weird?
After reading some more about this rock puzzle box, I was ready to admit that it contains some oddities: “The Da Vinci Codec was copied from the Da Vinci Manuscript of The Da Vinci Code.” According to the plot of the story, there are scrolls about the greatest secrets and even the whole of the Order of Sion. [sic] Christianity hidden in the cryptex. To open Cryptex, you need to unlock a 5-digit code. The cipher cylinder has 5 turntables, each with 26 characters and 11,881,376 possible permutations and cryptex combinations. ”
My consciousness began to drift. What fresh hellfire was this?
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Then the makers of this thing solved the Valentine’s mystery.
are you ready?
are you sure
“If you are planning to propose or give Valentine’s Day gifts, anniversaries, anniversary gifts, etc., Cryptex is a great choice. Unique password settings add romance, fun and mystery. I’ll give you a pair [sic] Rings are meant to fulfill your wishes. ”
Can I get a ring for free? Now it’s weird.
I admit that one person’s eccentric is another’s ideal congressman. But anyone looking for something different in their lives should not choose Amazon as their first source of ideas. I’m afraid not.
Things can turn out to be a completely different kind of weird than what they thought.