I’m ’23 and I’ve been thinking a lot about myself. 2023. For example, will this be the year I find my perfect diet?
I’m not talking about weight loss diets like when grandma used to live on tabs and figurines. I’m talking about diet lifestyle choices. Maybe this year is the year you become a Sustinatarian. This sounds like a place that used to put tuberculosis patients in the old days.
If I become a Sustainatarian, which is also a real thing, I become a dinner party darling. (“Look, it’s time to reduce your environmental impact with a diet of whole grains, nuts and legumes…Wait! Where am I going? I’m not done yet!”)
What are legumes? No one really knows, but I’m pretty sure it’s a little fruit soda bottle made out of edible wax.
Sustinatarian is the noblest of the very specific lifestyle diets to choose in 2023. If that mantle seems too heavy, perhaps you are a “social omnivore.” I think Appetit means “I want to smoke” in French.
Social omnivores do not buy or eat meat at home, but do eat at restaurants if invited to dinner or at dinner parties at other people’s homes. I think a more general term to describe is “cheap ass”.
Seriously, social omnivores try not to hurt their feelings or be so rigid that the dinner host puts together another meal like a fussy toddler.
Perhaps you are more of a “flexitarian,” primarily vegetarian, but you do eat meat and fish as well. Unlike social omnivores, flexitarians may pay for meat and fish to consume at home. They even invite a few “carnivores” to show that they are open-minded. Metatarians are people who consume meat every day. like me.
You can leave that meat mindset behind at 23 in favor of becoming a “reduceatarian”, someone who deliberately reduces the amount of meat and dairy consumed in a day. If you still don’t understand what it means, let me use it in the next sentence. Social omnivores and reductionists go to bars. How long will it take before the reductionist realizes they’ve bought all the rounds?
“Climatarians” do not consume beef or lamb because of the environmental impact of corporate farms. “Pescatrians” eat fish, but not meat. And “vegans” do not eat meat, fish, seafood, dairy products, or eggs, but are completely on a healthy, noble, plant-based diet, sometimes disrespecting others. “Carnetarians” eat meat but not fish, so I’d say the average age is 24 months. It takes a little more time in the school cafeteria to shape the “fish” into fingers and soak it in ketchup.
I was struggling to find the right lane — I can’t be a carnivore forever — until I learned about “vegetarian” — not a vegetarian, I eat meat, but even a little bit of animals Do as little harm to the human environment as possible to try to avoid suffering. Perfect.
I have already purchased grass-fed beef. I think my steak came from a cow that had a nice life roaming the pastoral pastures of only the blue part of Texas, so Austin streets. I’ve been buying cage-free, free-range eggs for years because I like eggs laid by flocks of talkative chickens that tease all the energy of big roosters in the barn.
It’s possible that I overthinked all this. Like veggie bois, am I right?
Celia Rivenberg is a New York Times bestselling author and columnist. Write to her at firstname.lastname@example.org.